Where you go I go

A friend sent this video to me this morning in a Facebook message, it fits exactly into what God’s been teaching me lately.

I’ve been reflecting on Exodus 33 for a while now.  There’s SO MUCH in the passage and I have no time this morning, but I wanted to share the song and passage.

¹ Then the LORD said to Moses, “Leave this place, you and the people you brought up out of Egypt, and go up to the land I promised on oath to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, saying, ‘I will give it to your descendants.’ ² I will send an angel before you and drive out the Canaanites, Amorites, Hittites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites. ³ Go up to the land flowing with milk and honey. But I will not go with you, because you are a stiff-necked people and I might destroy you on the way.”

⁴ When the people heard these distressing words, they began to mourn and no one put on any ornaments. ⁵ For the LORD had said to Moses, “Tell the Israelites, ‘You are a stiff-necked people. If I were to go with you even for a moment, I might destroy you. Now take off your ornaments and I will decide what to do with you.’” ⁶ So the Israelites stripped off their ornaments at Mount Horeb.

The Tent of Meeting

⁷ Now Moses used to take a tent and pitch it outside the camp some distance away, calling it the “tent of meeting.” Anyone inquiring of the LORD would go to the tent of meeting outside the camp. ⁸ And whenever Moses went out to the tent, all the people rose and stood at the entrances to their tents, watching Moses until he entered the tent. ⁹ As Moses went into the tent, the pillar of cloud would come down and stay at the entrance, while the LORD spoke with Moses. ¹⁰ Whenever the people saw the pillar of cloud standing at the entrance to the tent, they all stood and worshiped, each at the entrance to their tent. ¹¹ The LORD would speak to Moses face to face, as one speaks to a friend. Then Moses would return to the camp, but his young aide Joshua son of Nun did not leave the tent.

Moses and the Glory of the LORD

¹² Moses said to the LORD, “You have been telling me, ‘Lead these people,’ but you have not let me know whom you will send with me. You have said, ‘I know you by name and you have found favor with me.’ ¹³ If you are pleased with me, teach me your ways so I may know you and continue to find favor with you. Remember that this nation is your people.”

¹⁴ The LORD replied, “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.”

¹⁵ Then Moses said to him, “If your Presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here. ¹⁶ How will anyone know that you are pleased with me and with your people unless you go with us? What else will distinguish me and your people from all the other people on the face of the earth?”

¹⁷ And the LORD said to Moses, “I will do the very thing you have asked, because I am pleased with you and I know you by name.”

¹⁸ Then Moses said, “Now show me your glory.”

¹⁹ And the LORD said, “I will cause all my goodness to pass in front of you, and I will proclaim my name, the LORD, in your presence. I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion. ²⁰ But,” he said, “you cannot see my face, for no one may see me and live.”

²¹ Then the LORD said, “There is a place near me where you may stand on a rock. ²² When my glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by. ²³ Then I will remove my hand and you will see my back; but my face must not be seen.”

 

Trust and Excitement

You ever get the feeling that you go through times where you’re in a pressure cooker?

Like everything in your life needs some change and God decides that now is the right time for every area?

I’m there,

And I’m realizing this is just the beginning.

I’m excited.

I’m excited that God still counts me worthy, that He continues to teach me and mould me.

I’m excited that I’m not stagnant, that my convictions continue to shape who I am becoming.

I’m excited that I will never arrive, that I will always be continually changed.

I’m excited that God’s plan will always be greater than mine.

I’m excited that making mistakes just means next time I will make less mistakes.

I’m excited that my dreams are becoming reality despite my downfalls.

I’m excited for my generation, and that I’m a part of that.

Today I’m having a day where I am beginning to see that honesty and integrity are everything, and I’m VERY convicted in those areas.

I’m grateful that God’s grace has enveloped me and His patience with me has not worn thin.

There is so much I’m learning and so much I want to write but it’ll come with time.

If I could say one things it’s this:

Carry through with your convictions and trust that God has EVERYTHING in control, even the smallest details that you have no knowledge of. He has knit you and formed you and He knew you before you were born, do you really think that He would go through all that trouble just to leave you and forget about the important stuff?

Trust that He is who He says He is.

Follow where He leads you no matter how crazy it seems.

And TRUST.

 

Dream, Believe, Act – MLK

Today is Martin Luther King JR day.

How could I let the day pass without blogging?

Today marks the day that we celebrate one of the greatest men in American history.

Dreams, courage, action.

MLK had dreams,

He had courage,

Because of his courage he ACTED on his dreams.

Dreams,

My all time favourite topic.

A dream is just a dream, but when you trust in the one who gave you that dream you can do nothing but begin to act on it.

Some people make excuses, others let the dream become a mere thought.

Something we have to realize is that the dream is not our own, it’s a gift from the one who called you into life.  I would also argue that the dream you have isn’t about you, it’s about Him and His Kingdom. So the courage you think you’re lacking? You’re not. Because He wouldn’t trust you with something that will directly impact His kingdom without also giving you what you need to make it happen.

He doesn’t force you though.  He gives it to you freely, and it’s up to you to take those steps towards it.

It’s hard,

It takes work,

It takes prayer,

It takes tears, and sometimes even heartache,

Often it takes much sacrifice.

But here’s the best part,

The sacrifice is nothing compared to the sacrifice that’s been done for us.

We are not here for ourselves, we were not created for our own pleasure.  

We’re here to have an impact, and those dreams you’ve put on the shelf? That’s the impact that you’re failing to have. 

Take a lesson from MLK,

Trust in the one who called you, and take the steps towards what He’s calling you too.

If you truly LOVE Him, if you truly BELIEVE in Him, if you truly TRUST in Him then you will no longer sit on the side lines and let you’re dreams become an idea. There’s always going to be side tracking and speed bumps but there will ALWAYS be the One who trusted you with something specific to you and He will always make it work in the end. We need to remember that He is above all and in all, and He knows all, so when we think it’s all gone wrong and then give up we are proclaiming that we know best.

Dream

Believe

Act

That’s all it takes to change the world.

 

 

 

Merry Christmas

I’ve spent the last 36 hrs doing 3 things:

• Watching Bones
• Sleeping
• Analyzing my life

I have countless analyzations I could share with you, but I’d rather not (I know, it’s hard even for me to believe that there are things I’d rather not share with the world).

I pray that this Christmas you have been able to grasp just how wide, how long, how high and how deep is Christ’s love for you.

Ephesians 3:14-19 (The Message)

^14-19My response is to get down on my knees before the Father, this magnificent Father who parcels out all heaven and earth. I ask him to strengthen you by his Spirit—not a brute strength but a glorious inner strength—that Christ will live in you as you open the door and invite him in. And I ask him that with both feet planted firmly on love, you’ll be able to take in with all followers of Jesus the extravagant dimensions of Christ’s love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! Live full lives, full in the fullness of God.

I’ll leave you with this song I thought was cute.

 

 

Really? I’m a Graduate Nurse?

I have two shifts down since graduating.  It was drilled into our heads as students that our biggest hurdle would be our first year out of school.  I believed it, I knew it to be true but you don’t really KNOW something until you EXPERIENCE it right?

Let me say that I’m anally organized (or try really hard to be), so it’s never been a huge challenge for me to organize my day working in a hospital.  BUT I didn’t take into account everything that I was unable to do because I wasn’t graduated yet.  As a student and as an Undergraduate employee I was always under the supervision of an RN, my patients were there patients, SO they were always overlooking everything.  They would catch things I wouldn’t and remind me of things I had forgotten, they would take care of all the things I wasn’t certified to do.

My first day as a Graduate Nurse was a DISASTER (in my mind), I felt incredibly slow and unorganized, I didn’t get my lunch break, and I missed SEVERAL things.  It was a very humbling day.

I’ve always known that I have a long way to go, and that I will be learning for the rest of my career and life, but I hadn’t FULLY grasped just how large of a learning curve I would be on post-school.  There are so many gaps in my knowledge and critical thinking – things that can’t be learned in a class room, that must be learned with experience.  That’s probably the most frustrating thing for me, the fact that I can’t just read a book to fill in the gaps.

I’m already learning (or I’m continuing to learn?)

Today was a much better day than yesterday.  I’ve started to carry around a notepad to make notes of gaps I need to fill, research I need to do.  I completed all my tasks, was able to spend some quality time with my patients, AND I got my lunch break!

Other than frustrate me, it excites me how real my need for knowledge is (geek!).  It’s almost impossible to be a good nurse and to become complacent with your current knowledge.  There’s always something more to learn.

I LOVE IT.

In other news, I’m working on a VERY EXCITING project.  I’ll be able to write more about it in January hopefully.  Things are in very preliminary stages, so once they are more solidified I’ll fill you in.  I’m sure you are going to be just as excited as me.

 

Prayer

Wow, it’s been a crazy week!

Actually, it’s been a crazy 4 months, but this last week really topped the cake.

This week I witnessed first hand the power of prayer.  From the moment I found out about the accident I started praying, then a wave of prayers began and Morgan went from critically injured to walking around and able to go home in a few days – all within a week.

Many times during the past week I was challenged with the topic of prayer.  I’m not really sure where this is going to go, because I’m just trying to hash out some of my thoughts.  Feel free to stick with me, or just to skip it.  If you stick with me, I’d love to hear some of your thoughts on the subject.

So often we pray when in desperation, and although I think God is still delighted in our prayers to Him, I think there needs to be so much more.  When things go wrong, when tragedy happens, when we’re down in the dumps – that’s when we begin to pray – and I think that’s appropriate.  Ask, seek, knock right? (Matthew 7:7)  When we start to pray in these situations (maybe I’m the only one who does this but I have a suspicion that I’m not) we usually pray that God would do this, or that.  We are asking God to solve our problem in the ways we know it could be solved.  I think these prayers are missing something huge – the knowledge that God is omniscient (all knowing).

Last week I asked a friend to pray about something specific.  When I asked I initially said, I’ll be praying  that the answer is yes (because ideally that’s what I want).  Then I realized what I want isn’t really important because God knows all and if I wanted this to be in God’s control, and under His blessing then I should begin to pray HIS will into it.  Instead of asking God to do what I think is best, I should be asking HIM to lead ME into what’s best.

Then this past week I was really challenged in prayer and how I pray.  At one point I was scared of even uttering a prayer because I was so challenged with the thought of God knowing all, and God being in control.  Could I pray “let your will be done” into a desperate situation and be ok with whatever the outcome would be? Is my faith really strong enough to endure a different outcome than I wanted after sincerely praying “your will be done”? Praise God that the outcome was fantastic, but what if it hadn’t been?

Jesus taught specifically about prayer, you can find his teaching in Matthew 6:5-13

⁵ “And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. ⁶ But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. ⁷And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. ⁸ Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.

⁹ “This, then, is how you should pray:

   “‘Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
¹⁰ your kingdom come,
your will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
¹¹ Give us today our daily bread.
¹² And forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
¹³ And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one.‘

I want to develop my prayer life to revolve less around me and my desires and more around God and His will.  It’s amazing to me how difficult this can be.  I desire my faith to be able to withstand situations where it’s tested to limits I thought were impossible.  I desire when I pray “let your will be done” that I TRULY and SINCERELY mean that, and that whatever comes from it is OK.

Thoughts?

 

A sigh of relief

I’m gonna try my best to make this a short update! I tend to ramble.

I walked into Morgan’s room this morning and found him up, sitting in a chair and drinking a boost!

SURPRISE!

Morgan is doing amazingly!

He is incredibly tired, and weak but his improvement even in today tells me that it’s not going to be long before he is up walking around.

In the morning he was having a lot of difficulties grabbing his water, putting it to his mouth, and then back onto the table.  He was having a hard time putting a kleenex to his nose.  After 10 minutes of sitting up he was asking to go back to bed.

This afternoon he was able to take the pitcher of water pour it into his cup and put his cup up to his mouth and back onto the table without stumbling! He sat up for half an hour before asking to go back to bed – although they are making him stay up for 2 hours three times a day – which he doesn’t enjoy but he doesn’t complain to much.

He’s no longer confused and seems to have a new perspective on life (it would be hard not to!).

He’s coughing a lot and continues to work a bit to breathe and he’s still on oxygen.

We are ecstatic about his progress! He will hopefully be moved onto the neuro unit tomorrow (or when a bed becomes available) where he will start to do intense physical and occupational therapy.

We seem to now be over the hump and onto the homestretch! I probably won’t be updating daily but will continue to update with information as Morgan continues to improve.

Thank you all so much for your prayers.  Please continue to pray for Morgan as he moves from one phase to another in his recovery.

Pray:

• That his pneumonia will clear up quickly.
• That his strength would return in leaps and bounds.
• The his physical and occupational therapy is effective and quick.
• That he gets home before the new year.
• That his wounds continue heal quickly.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

It’s been an EXHAUSTING week but Morgan has pulled through and that is a miracle accomplished only by God.

 

YAY!!

Wow!

Where to start tonight?

We’ve had a VERY eventful FULL day at the hospital today.

We slept in a bit this morning so didn’t get to the hospital as early as usual. As soon as we walked in they let us know that the doctor had been looking for us, so we went into Morgan’s room quickly to find him AWAKE and breathing on his own!!! YAY!!!!!

It was a very emotional morning.

Here’s a bit of a breakdown of how this wonderful surprise happened.

Throughout the night they stopped a medication that they had been giving him to keep up his blood pressure (vasopressin).  The mechanism of action of vasopressin is to suppress the kidneys from producing urine in order to keep fluid in his veins to increase blood pressure while he was sedated (stay with me).  So because his kidneys weren’t producing urine like usual he was becoming fluid overloaded (like I mentioned yesterday).  They stopped the vasopressin in order to take off some fluid so that he didn’t drown in it – he ended up producing 6-7 litres of urine throughout the night!  Due to his kidney’s functioning at a normal level they also started to metabolize the drug they were giving him to keep him anesthetized which means it was wearing off very quickly and he was beginning to become alert and struggling.

The rest of this story is a bit put together as the nurse during the day isn’t fond of giving clear answers (I’m not bitter I promise!)

At one point his oxygen levels dropped to 50% and they took a risk (huge) and pulled out the breathing tube.  I was told it was a bit scary for a few minutes but Morgan pulled through and began breathing well on his own.

SO

Now he’s awake.

Praise the Lord!

BUT

He is wildly and extremely confused.

His memory is intact it’s just his reality is a bit skewed and he is having hallucinations.

I still need to do a bunch of research on this and the nurse wouldn’t give me any straight answers.

The confusion and hallucinations are most likely just from all the drugs he’s been on, and the length of time he was anesthetized.  But there are other factors to consider such as the pain medication he’s being given which can have a dramatic effect on confusion and hallucinations depending on the sensitivity of the person.  It’s not uncommon for people to have these adverse effects and in fact Morgan’s mom has them.  The other factor to consider is Morgan’s trauma to his head and the bleeding he had on “the surface” of the brain.  I put that in brackets because the neurosurgeon said that exact thing today but never gave a glance to me or gave any inclination that he wanted to answer my question.  I’m not sure what “the surface” means – was it subdural? Was in actually in the brain? Who knows? So saying all of this – only time will tell which factors are contributing to his confusion.

This morning and afternoon Morgan was quite agitated and upset.  They have him in restraints so that he doesn’t pull anything out which contributes a lot to his agitation.  He’s also agitated because he doesn’t know he’s in a hospital and has no understanding of why he’s tied down.  They have now put him on an anti-psychotic to help him calm down – although he does still have hallucinations and confusion he is FAR less agitated.

His face is quite swollen still and his eyes aren’t able to open all the way which also contributes to his agitation.  As well his mouth is closed by elastics on brace type of things glued to his teeth because of his fractured jaw. He really hates this, but I suspect they will wire it shut now instead of using elastics because he can get his mouth quite wide with just the elastics.  He has been drinking fluids out of a straw all day and does quite well with this.

They gave him potassium today because his potassium was low (no idea how low).  Potassium is something that needs to be regulated in order for the heart to perform properly.

He had quite a high blood pressure for most of the day today – likely due to his agitation.  His heart rate was also quite high.

They have isolated the bacteria that is causing his pneumonia and therefore have switched him to the most appropriate antibiotic to fight that off.  He had very high temperatures today despite getting quite a few doses of tylenol.  He is also visibly having to work to breathe due to the pneumonia (I was wishing I would have brought my stethoscope so that I could listen to his lungs – I’m sure the nurses would have LOVED that!).

I’m anxious to be back there tomorrow as I suspect his recovery will go quite quickly from here on in.  I also would really like a doctor to come speak to us regarding his recovery now that he’s awake because right now all I am doing is giving A LOT of speculation.

SO

Prayer requests for tonight/tomorrow:

• Pray that Morgan will be able to get LOTS of rest.
• Pray that he will quickly become oriented and will stop getting hallucinations – and that none of these things are from any sort of brain damage.
• Pray for pain control as I’m sure he will begin to become more aware of pain very soon.
• Pray that his lungs clear up quickly and that his fever goes down.
• Pray that all of his blood work would normalize.
• Pray that his vital signs return to normal.
• Continue to pray for rapid healing of all his wounds.
• Continue to pray for wisdom, knowledge, and appropriate care from the healthcare team.
• Continue to pray for my family as we walk with Morgan through this.

Friends! Thank you once again! My family and I are ecstatic about Morgan’s progress and I know that your prayers have carried us all through!

Psalm 13:5-6

⁵ But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
⁶ I will sing the LORD’s praise,
for he has been good to me.

 

Days go by…

We just got back from the hospital and saying good night to Morgan.

I find this the hardest part of the day, I never want to leave him.

I’d like to just sit by his bed, there’s nothing I can do but it makes me feel better that he’s not alone.  As he lays there intubated, unable to move, multiple tubes going into him, his head all bandaged up I can’t help but feel helpless for him in his incredibly vulnerable state.

Today we taped up some cards to give him some colour in the room.  I taped up a family photo for him on his bed (I’m hoping the nurses don’t take it down).

Not a lot has changed in terms of what we know.

I find this the most frustrating part of everything.

I’d actually like to just sneak a few (and a few more) minutes with his chart so I can get the “full picture.” Being a family member of a patient gives me an incredible perspective on how to be a better “family” nurse.  It also gives me a very accurate portrayal of family frustrations when they feel left out in the dark.  Unable to articulate the exact questions you want to ask but knowing there are so many things left unanswered.  I KNOW for a fact that there are so many things they don’t tell us (maybe insignificant, maybe not) that if I was able to look at his chart, and his blood work then I would have some answers (and likely more questions).

Some praise reports:

• His intracranial pressure was never above normal!
• His swelling has gone down A LOT.
• The ultrasound showed no internal damage to his organs!

A bit of a Debbie Downer was finding out that they could not book an OR to extubate him tomorrow so they had to push it back to Friday.  Looking at it in a more positive light, if the swelling continues to go down as much as it has today he will hopefully be able to open at least one of his eyes when they wake him up which will give him some sort of orientation.

He had a bit of a leak in his endotracheal tube today so his sats had been lower than I liked to see them – although not worryingly low – they fixed the leak and his sats have since been at 100%.  He did have at least one episode of coughing due to his pneumonia and they had to give him a bit more of sedation and suction him out a couple times.

This morning he had really gross looking urine and I had a bit of a concern about his kidney function.  I was fairly certain that he was a bit fluid overloaded – based on the amount of intake, how little and how concentrated (unbelievably concentrated) his urine was, and how swollen he was. It ended up that he was positive 900 mL – which is far to much.  I never got to ask the dr about his kidney panel and they vaguely said they weren’t “bad” to Leona.  That means nothing to me (being a renal nurse!), but they gave him Lasix (a diuretic) to take off some fluid.  His urine cleared up and the swelling went down.

His blood sugar was a bit elevated today (something that can happen after trauma as well as surgery) so they started him on an insulin drip.

They are talking about starting to decrease a couple of his meds before they fully wake him to really slowly take him out of sedation.

Some specific prayer requests:

• Pray that Morgans intracranial pressure continues to stay within normal limits.
• Pray that the swelling continues to subside.
• Pray that his renal function restores completely.
• Pray that his blood sugar stabilizes (this would indicate that the stress factor has subsided in his body)
• Pray that the lacerations he has heal quickly.
• Pray specifically for his dad Montey, who travels back and forth daily from Yellow Grass to Regina.
• Continue to pray for strength and peace for the rest of my family.
• Continue to pray for wisdom for the dr’s and for knowledge and healing touch from the nurses.

Words can’t express my families appreciation and awe at how much support and prayers have been given for Morgan.  UNBELIEVABLE.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Gideon
Jason Upton

I don’t have the power
I don’t even have a clue
I don’t know all the answers
I don’t even know a few

And if I were really honest
And the truth were known of me
It may sound a little funny
But this is what My prayer would be

I don’t know what to do
But my eyes are on you

I don’t know what to do
But my eyes are on you, My Lord

I lift my eyes toward the heavens
I tune my ear to your command
Help me boast in my condition
You’re the God and I’m the man

 

I love this boy

I love this boy.

For the first seven years of his life I saw him every day.

He’s a lover, a fighter, and a joker.

My love for him could not go any deeper.

I wasn’t sure how I was going to react today walking into his room.

I was surprised to find that I wasn’t overly emotional the whole time.

I was usually analyzing vitals and meds and trying to fill in some blanks medically.

I was in and out of his room all day because there are only two people allowed each time and lots of people to visit.

If I was sitting there alone and talking to him is when I was emotional, and every time I said bye I had tears in my eyes.

He is doing well though.

Today we found out that he has contracted pneumonia, fractured his wrist, and has a small fracture in his neck.  The two fractures they thought he had in his back aren’t there (I’m unclear as to why they thought they were there because the nurses never let me talk to doctors so I never really get to ask any questions that I want to). They are worried a bit about waking him up and extubating him for a few reasons:

• He has pneumonia so will have a cough but has his jaw wired shut so he won’t be able to spit out sputum.
• He will most likely be agitated because of all the tubes in his mouth/nose, and his jaw being wired shut.  They think he will try and pull out the intubation tube and because he is so big he will be harder to control and will be disoriented.
• Because the trauma has been isolated to his neck up his airway is part of that trauma, he won’t be able to breathe out of his mouth and if he rips out that tube but something happens and he needs it again it’s going to be very hard to re-insert due to inflammation.
• They debated just putting a tracheostomy (an airway cut into the trachea in the neck) in just to be safe but have decided on waking him up very slowly on Thursday and before he is fully awake take him to the OR and wake him up fully there.  This way they have the necessary resources and people there in case something goes wrong.

His intracranial pressure was pretty high most of the day.  One neurosurgeon would like to continue to monitor it and the other neurosurgeon isn’t worried about it.  If his intracranial pressure continued to be high the worry would be that there would be some brain damage.

Tomorrow he will have an ultrasound to explore possible organ damage.

We are optimistic for his recovery but  it’s very hard to predict anything until he is awake.  Thursday is going to be a huge day and very stressful.

If you are praying for Morgan and my family THANK YOU.  We are sailing on those!

You can pray specifically:

• That Morgans intracranial pressure continues to stabilize.
• That the swelling continues to subside.
• That the ultrasound would come back with no evidence of damage.
• That Thursday’s waking him up and possible extubation goes smoothly.
• That the nurses and doctors looking after Morgan are divinely guided.
• That our family gets the necessary rest and recuperation at night to be able to support each other and Morgan through his recovery each day.
• That peace that passes understanding would envelope us.