Words of my Life

This is my weeping song on repeat, hoping it sinks in and my heart can finally be at peace. My brain knows it’s truth but my heart is struggling to understand.

How He Loves

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves.

We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
And Heaven meets earth like an unforseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

Do you ever think that no matter how many good reasons God has for doing or not doing something that it is simply not fair?

Yeah me too and I’m feeling the frustration at this moment.

I could scream, cry, throw a fit. Seriously I’m at my wits end.

I’m on my knees pleading…..

So I am beginning to realize something about myself. I am going to attempt to flesh it out, I have no idea if this is possible or if any of this will make sense, so bear with me! I am hoping that as I write I will begin to get a revelation of the bigger picture as this is often the case when I write.

The first big fight me and Carlos had was awful, every time I think back to it everything in me sinks. At the time I didn’t sleep for three days, I was completely exhausted in every way possible. Along with being exhausted I was confused. My entire life I have been incredibly independent needing to rely on no one (probably one of my biggest issues in my relationship with God). After the fight I was stricken with fear of what I thought was being alone, the fear gripped me, I was so anxious, my heart raced and I really don’t know how physically I made I through. I was confused about these feelings, how had I become so incredibly emotionally dependent on a man. In retrospect I know that it was my lack of relationship with God at the time that made me feel this way.

This week has been hard, Carlos left after a weekend visit and although I am used to being apart now I still find it very hard to be away from my best friend. It was midterm week so I was preparing to study all week. On Tuesday my employee for my company quit, which loaded more stress on top of midterms. On Wednesday I get a call from one of my clients saying that her granite countertop was ruined after a cleaning. Needless to say that stress in my life was maxed, and here is where I began to realize something.

After the last phone call I had the exact same feelings I had experienced after my fight with Carlos. I was paralyzed, I could not function, I couldn’t sleep well, I didn’t open a book to study, my brain wouldn’t work, my heart raced; but this time it wasn’t with fear of being alone. I knew there had to be a common denominator in this equation, somehow the dots had to connect.

All my life I have felt like I had to be independent because I needed to fulfill expectations. I had to live up to my parents, my friends, anyone around me who might have an expectation. Now that I look back in my life these two instances aren’t the only times I have experienced these feelings. I can remember the time I stole and my parents found out- same feelings. Or when. I would figh with my best friend – same feeling.

I have this irrational fear of letting people down. Most people don’t desire to let people down but understand that sometimes it’s inevitable and you can’t always please those around you. I understand this concept but I can’t seem to grasp it fully. When I know I have let someone down I am stricken with guilt and fear of their perception of me.

Yesterday I was going to look at the counter that was ruined but before I went I began to search out my heart. I began to feel peace as I heard God letting me know that all was going to be ok, that despite the outcome His love still prevailed and that fact was the only thing that mattered. All my life that fact is the only thing that has kept me going and that has kept me alive physically, emotionally, and spiritually. As soon as I lose sight of that love I lose sight of what really matters. It sucks that the counter was ruined and I will have to pay for it, but I am grateful for the lesson. I am grateful that once again I am reminded why I am here.

His love prevails, and He is good, despite every other cirumstance.

Ever have one of those days where everything just seems to be going your way? I know usually for me they are far and few between.  Not that I think my life sucks, in fact I love my life, but some days you just get this feeling.

It’s a feeling of inexplicable joy, something that is beyond your grasp, beyond your words, beyond your emotions.  I haven’t felt like this in a long time.  Today though, I feel the smile of my Father over me, I feel His embrace, acceptance, love, divine intervention, placing of my path.

Today I feel peace, peace for the past, present and future.

He is good, and faithful.  He loves us through our trials, He accepts us as we are.

I feel like laughing and crying all at once, my dreams are being fulfilled and not because of me.

“My heart rejoices in the Lord! The Lord has made me strong.  Now I have an answer for my enemies; I rejoice because you rescued me.”
1 Samuel 2:1

It’s funny (or maybe not so much) that when God opens a door in your heart He flings it open exposing everything. It leaves you raw, vulnerable, emotional, soft.

About a month ago I began to feel like I was ready to face the reality that is my soul. For two years I have been hard, bitter, stubborn. I deliberately shut myself off, began to think of only surface things, refusing to search deeper in myself to see what was really there. I suppose I always knew that one day I would have to face everything but I never once sought it out myself. A week after I realized that God was beginning to soften my heart once again I went to my first day of school not knowing anything about what this semester would bring, I was hit hard, blindsided almost. You see I’m doing my psych rotation this semester, daily I will be faced with people who are depressed, suicidal and emotionally unstable. These are things that I have been surrounded by my whole life and it is a suicide of a dear friend of mine that put me over the top and led to my emotional shut down and rebellion towards God. This is what I will be forced to walk through in my own heart and with people I will be caring for. Doesn’t seem fair, I had no time to get used to the idea at all.

When God opens you up He does a good job at making sure your going to go all the way. Every day I struggle with wanting to shut down again wanting to run from the emotions. It hurts, more painful than my daily physical pain, going to bed feeling sad with memories. I have to accept my brokeness and see it for what it is, face it and look it in it’s eyes. I must do this before God can put me back together again. Some days are better than others on this journey, and sometimes you think your doing great and in the blink of an eye you have tears welling up.

I just settled down to do some studying and I put my iPod to shuffle. The first song that started playing was Hide And Seek by Imogen Heap instantly I was back at FGBC the very last weekend of my second year, the last year I spent with Matthew, the very last weekend I spent with him. We were fooling around at Jr High in the sanctuary, playing some of the songs we enjoyed and as the students came into the sanctuary we were on stage singing along to Hide and Seek. It took one second to have a flash back and one second for me to burst into tears I miss him and my heart still aches for the pain he suffered here. I’m still angry and confused but I need to feel these things, I need to face them and one day let them go.

I’ve come here several times to write my thoughts,

frequently during the day I have an epiphany,

often during the months I’ve had great convos,

I’ve wanted to write about it all,

I’ve wanted to write about how much my life is changing,

How much it’s going to change,

All the things the Lord is changing in me,

How’s He’s picking me back up and letting me dance again,

I don’t really know why I haven’t been able to get it out.

There’s just so much,

To many things to process,

In the midst of it all I don’t want to shut down again.

I’m forcing myself to continue to feel,

To allow my emotions to be explored.

I’ll try and let you know how it goes, but I can’t make any promises,

Until next time.

What is it?

Seriously?

What is called justice??

Is it static?

Or is it dynamic?

Is it human?

Can it be divine?

Does God really embody justice??

Cause I’m really wondering if He does embody it then we need a new definition.

Back in the winter semester I was taking a religion class entitled “Introduction to the Bible.” In all honesty, having four years of Theology training myself, I don’t think this was an introduction.  It was more of a “I don’t believe a single word of the Bible and I will try and insult and anger you if you do” class.  I enjoyed it though, it gave me a whole different perspective, which contrary to popular belief about secular education, did not ruin my faith.  Instead it made me really think about why I believed what I believed, and if something so small as one persons opinion could shake it.  I came out the other side better, I ended the year and a half long faith absence and I started to care again.  There was one specific thing in the class that I was reminded of the other day.

The proff mentioned something when we began the New Testament, (I will not be exact quoting anybody as my memory is struggling just to remember what I have to do the next day let alone exact words from people’s mouths) he said that God became silent after (or before) the Old Testament.  He says that God never spoke like He spoke in the Old Testament EVER again, meaning of course that God is still silent today.  This is something that struck me, and at the time I didn’t want to think about it too much.  I didn’t want to contemplate my own God moments.

This weekend I was priviledged to be able to have a really good conversation with a friend.  We have never been great friends, but I’ve always respected this person, his intellect, striving, and questioning are things that have always inspired me from a distance.  We were talking about life, not masking anything, asking honest questions knowing generally where we both were in life we were able to discuss our doubts, our conclusions and our journeys.   In the midst of it we began to talk about the silence of God.  My friend said he asked for a year (or more) for God to speak to him and he never heard anything.  He was adamant that there was nothing blocking the voice of God, that he was completely open to hear God. In the end God never showed, and consequently that shaped my friends conclusion.  I asked him if he had ever heard God, and he told me that he didn’t think so, he thought that whatever God experience he had ever thought he had was a fiction of his imagination (my own wording).  His conclusion was that most (if not all) of peoples God experiences were shaped by themselves. Whenever my friend would ask someone about their experience hearing God he would ask if the voice they heard ever explicitly told them who they were, and no one has answered yes to his question.

Ever since this conversation I have been thinking about it.  Is God really silent? Has no one heard the voice of God? And if you have what did it sound like? Was it booming? Was it quiet? Did the voice say “I am God” or “I am Jesus” or “I am the Holy Spirit”?  I am well aware of the good feeling during worship, the voice you hear that says, “You are going to be alright, I am with you, you are safe, etc etc” I have had those experiences myself.  My question is are you absolutely convinced that that was God and not your own imagination? And if you are sure about that why? I don’t want  an answer that says “I have faith, which goes beyond the things known and seen,” I want a real concrete answer. I want to know if God is speaking to you for REAL, you know like, Old Testament real, like wrestling, or seeing his back, or speaking through a burning bush.  It seems strange to me that after all of our eternal problems are solved through Jesus that God doesn’t speak like He used to.  Why is that? I would think that after everything was solved that we would be more open, and more willing, and more inclined to hear God’s real voice.  Why are there things left unanswered, prayers not heard, not recognized, we are left questioning ourselves, questioning God.

We’re here, we’re open, we’ve been waiting yet there’s nothing but our own consciousness, and our own assumptions that what we felt, and heard was God’s voice.

Can anyone really be sure that God is speaking to them?

I love when people tell me how it is, when they look at me and say something that is so straight forward and honest that it blows me back.  I like when I get rebuked when I do something stupid; sure I don’t like the feeling of losing my pride, I don’t enjoy the sinking feeling in my stomach but I would rather be told the truth than a lie.  I guess this is probably why I am so unabashadly honest, it gets me in trouble occasionally but I honestly can’t help myself most of the time.  Whether it’s about my life, or something else that I feel strongly about, which tends to be many things, I will tell you the honest truth 90% of the time.  The other 10% I get in touch with my brain and logically think through whether that comment/sentence really needs to be said, and realize that I am only fueling my own agenda and then stop the thought.

I say all this to tell you a bit of a story.

I was talking on Facebook chat (I still cringe at the word “Facebook” although I am enjoying my time back) with a friend who I travelled with on Lifeforce to Trinidad and Tobago.  We were discussing life and updating each other and she asked who I lived with in Calgary.  I was surprised that she asked this question because I tend to think that most people in my circle of friends knew who I lived with, but regardless I told her I lived with Carlos.  Her reaction wasn’t nearly as good over Facebook chat, although I can imagine her jaw drop and the word ASHLEEEEE squeal out of her mouth in a high pitch with a half smile on her face.  After the initial shock she said very plainly and simply, “You were always the rebellious one.”

It took a minute for that to sink in as I thought about mine and Kyla’s memories together, but those words were absolute truth.

I have always been rebellious although I’m sure if you asked anyone I went to school with they would swear up and down that that was false at least according to what was going on when I was growing up.  I was the kid who never drank, smoked, did drugs, or had sex, I was straight as an arrow.  Although I did throw parties and go to parties frequently, always as the designated driver always too scared to let my friends drive themselves.  I was the girl who would tutor my friends for hours on end because I didn’t want to graduate without them, although I wasn’t the smartest one by far.

If you asked my parents they would probably say I was rebellious but not in a way that really bothered them.  They would tell me I had to stay home that night, or I had to be home early (although I never had a curfew), or I had to call during the evening out, I rarely followed those rules.  At the time I didn’t think it was rebellion, I just thought it was foolish rules because they knew I wasn’t doing anything remotely close to stupid, and I suppose that’s why I got away with being so stubborn.  I would also guess that although I was being rebellious with them they didn’t really care because I wasn’t doing anything stupid.

After highschool, on Lifeforce, is when I really began to realize just how deep my rebellion was.  I didn’t think of it as rebellion while I was on Lifeforce though.  I thought my defiance was justifiable, and in most ways I still do, but I should have submitted to authority instead of being so damn stubborn! Do I regret it….. no I don’t because I feel I got a lot out of the experiences I had when I was being rebellious (spending time with a youth group instead of watching a movie with the team, hanging out with Simon who became one of my closest friends even though they thought we were wanting to date HAHA).  The rebellion only grew after that though.

In Bible school I was very rebellious, mostly within myself though.  All the rebellion and stubborness was beginning make me really bitter, not only that but self righteous too.  I thought my way was the only way.  I hate that I was like that, so conservative in every sense of the word.

Now I’m rebelling against religion and everything it stands for. I don’t like the rules and statutes that you must abide by in order to feel welcome in any religious circle.  I honestly believe in God’s unconditional love, I believe He still loves me, and that He still has plans for me, and that even though I’m rebelling He’s still here with me.  I know most of my Christian friends will tell me that God is just waiting for me to turn around, and His love is always there for me.  I don’t really believe that, I think He’s here with me NOW, not waiting for me, He’ll walk with me even when I’m rebelling, or making mistakes, He’s not so petty as us humans.

I’m wondering if being rebellious is just part of my nature or does it stem from something in my life?  Is it something that will naturally come out of me or is it something that I will overcome with time?

To be honest I enjoy my streak of rebellion, but I do worry that one day it may get me in a lot of trouble.